On breastfeeding

Before Eli was born I had planned on breastfeeding, had read all the books, purchased the gear, and even taken a little class at the hospital about it, but when he was born and it actually came to it, I had a horrible experience all the way through. He just couldn't latch on. He simply didn't have a clue what a breast was. Even the hospital's lactation consultant said he was a tough one, but we left the hospital still trying. We had read that it was best to wait to introduce a pacifier until breastfeeding was well-established so we hadn't planned on using one in the hospital and hadn't even packed one in our bags. But Eli cried a lot, and when the nurses offered one to us, I thought "well, maybe it's because he's not getting any suckling time from me." We asked the nurse if it would mess up breastfeeding, and she said no, so in our vulnerable state we went with it. Maybe that's where we went wrong, but I really don't think so.

It came feeding time, and he'd just scream and scream and eventually after 15-20 minutes he would get on, but it was a terrible latch and hurt me like you couldn't believe, but it took so much effort to get that that I just left it. We'd try to feed him before it was "time" so he wouldn't get so frustrated, but that didn't help. My mom tried to help. But every single feeding ended up with me in tears. We thought maybe once my milk came in he could be fed faster and he'd be more satisfied and he'd figure out how this was supposed to work, so I started pumping when it was still just colostrum. In the night I'd anticipate the feeding time and get up 15-20 minutes earlier so I could pump a bottle for him. The whole ordeal was tiring. Draining. And a huge emotional mess. It would come feeding time, and I didn't want to feed him because I knew how badly it would go, and then I felt horrible that I didn't even want to feed my own baby! We'd take him to church, and I would just sit in angst that Eli might wake up and want to eat and I couldn't feed him! I couldn't go through that there! So we didn't go anywhere, not if it overlapped a feeding time.

After going through all this for two weeks or so, I decided to see another lactation consultant who immediately "diagnosed" Eli with nipple confusion. I'm not sure it was really that though because we were having troubles before we ever gave him the pacifier or bottle. But anyway, she gave us a nipple shield to use for feedings, and he latched right on to that. Her instructions were to go cold turkey on pacifiers and bottles, and give him time to associate food with the breast. And after a short amount of time, try going without the nipple shield. Never stop the feeding, let the baby decide when he's done. I left her office feeling like she had saved my life! Eli wasn't screaming any more, he could actually latch on, and I could feed him in peace.... But trying to go without a pacifier at all was HARD. He was a baby and would still cry at times, and we could not get him to stop. Every time I'd put him to my breast, he'd act like he was hungry so I'd feed him more, even if I had fed him just a few minutes earlier. I'd try to keep feeding him like the LC (lactation consultant) had said but every time I stopped he'd cry more and want to keep eating. We really wanted breastfeeding to work, so I really wanted to follow her rules and not use a pacifier. But for at least a full day or three, I was literally on the couch ALL NIGHT continuously feeding Eli because every time I stopped he'd cry and want to eat. I sat up on the couch with a pillow behind my head, boppy and baby in my lap. The LC had said to watch his jaw to see that he was still swallowing milk, and he was so I kept feeding. By the third day I decided that I didn't care what the lady had said, Eli couldn't possibly be hungry all that time, and I simply would not play that game anymore. We were going back to the binky because all he was wanting was to suckle! After that it was much better. I'd feed Eli every three hours on the clock, and if he was just fussy he'd get a binky. Life actually felt normal finally.

BUT the feedings were taking almost a full hour. The LC had said to never stop a feeding, but at an hour I would cut him off. He couldn't possibly still be eating! Gradually I made the time less and less so his feeding was 40 minutes-ish. We did this for a few weeks, but the nipple shield was getting just plain annoying. It would fall off and spill milk everywhere. They're not good to use for a long time, and you have to make sure Baby is gaining the right amount of weight. Overall it was still stressing me out.

When Eli was 6 weeks old we drove to Virginia for a visit. In order to make our stops not so long to feed Eli I decided to pump in the car so we could just give a bottle when we stopped since it was much faster. Pretty much that whole trip I pumped and then bottle fed and that's when I decided I liked that method much better. So that's when I switched to exclusively pumping, and we were finally able to settle into a routine. I wanted Eli to have the benefits of breastmilk so I was committed to the time it took to provide that for him. But as Eli got older and more active, it became harder to find time that I could just sit on the couch for 40 minutes taking care of business while Eli was left alone. By that point it was becoming a burden to keep up, my nipples were cracked and bleeding from pumping full time, and it just didn't seem worth it. So when it came time for a Christmas trip home at Eli's 6th month, I decided to quit pumping, and what a relief it was! At that point he became a formula baby, and just like they say the baby is just as happy. But for his whole first year I still grieved the loss of that breastfeeding relationship that friends alongside me could experience.

So you get the idea of what happened with Eli. It was miserable. Leading up to Hannah's birth one of my biggest prayers was that she would be able to nurse. God answered that prayer, and right away she latched on just fine. And it became a beautiful relationship I always wanted. I loved nursing her. It was such a blessing! She never took a binky because she never needed one. Whenever she fussed she was just tired and it didn't take much to get her to sleep, just a swaddle. And she never took a bottle or cup either. Sure it made things complicated whenever I wanted to go out of town or do something in the evening, but I would choose that any day over the whole ordeal I had with Eli. And now my baby is growing up all too fast! She just turned one year last Saturday, and already I've gone three full days without nursing her at all! It's hard to believe we've reached this point. Just a few weeks ago I thought I wasn't even close to having her weaned, but a week before her first birthday those top teeth came in, and that was the end of that. Enough said. Kuddos to moms who still nurse after those teeth have come in much earlier; I don't know how you did it! But we're done. And I don't really miss nursing her. At this point it's a relief to have some freedom and flexibility back (and pretty bras). So instead I just rock her extra long before her naps. She's still my sweet baby, just a little more grown up now.