I know many of you have seen/done the Husband Encouragement Challenge, and I've decided to do this same sort of thing regarding my children: really striving for 30 days of a good attitude. It's overwhelming so I'm trying to break it down and I am processing what's really going on in our home.
I've been trying to think through the situations in which I get most frustrated and angry.
- What's happening in the situation?
- Why am I angry?
- How can I respond differently?
THE most frustrating thing to me lately has been grocery shopping with the kids. I can't have both kids in the cart because well, the cart is full. And I can't wear Hannah in a carrier because of heavy jackets still and the fact that she's getting kinda big. So Eli ends up being "free" to walk alongside the cart while Hannah sits in the child seat of the cart. We've been trying sooo hard to stay consistent with discipline in the home, and I think Eli, for the most part, does quite well. But we're having major issues when we're not at home. At the grocery store I want... a) Eli to always hold onto the cart, even when we're stopped (if he's not physically holding the cart how else do I define his boundary?), b) Eli to not touch items on the shelves (some things would be fine but other things could break if they fell, so it's better to just say 'no touching') and c) Eli to not touch items or buttons at check-out. Groceries are such a slow process for a toddler. Even when I know exactly what I'm getting, there's still that time where you're browsing the shelf trying to find what you need. So I know this shopping is not going to be easy for Eli but I have to do it and he has to come. Believe me, if there was any way at all that I could go by myself I would in a heart beat, but that's not an option according to Kevin's work schedule most of the time, so somehow we need to make it work without me wanting to cry by the end because he won't obey me with a, b, or c! Thank goodness he's not throwing tantrums but still frustrating nonetheless!
Soo... what can I do?
* Be more consistent. I think I start feeling like "I'm in public. I can't do anything, so I'll just let this go." Like letting Eli touch items on the shelves. I need to just slow it down a bit and really work on helping Eli know what's okay and what's not, what I really expect of him.
* Beforehand thoroughly explain WHY I'm setting each of the rules-- so we're not getting in other people's way if he's roaming around, so things don't break, etc
I've noticed lately that Eli's being really disobedient when we're at church also. Lovely huh. So I'm realizing that we're just entering a new phase of him testing his boundaries. We're consistent when we're at home, but I don't think we've really figured out how to handle things when we're not home. So we need to sit down and decide on a plan and follow through. Every time. I think this will make a big difference! I sure hope so! Because I'll have both kids on my own again next Sunday for church in the morning and choir practice in the evening! Can't wait! It makes a huge difference though when you approach things with a plan. You've already thought through what might happen and decided how you're going to handle it.
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"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen... Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." Ephesians 4:29-31
I've had two realizations with this one:
1. I want my words to benefit those who listen. I've been getting so beyond frustrated at the grocery store that I'm no longer even putting on a good face for others. I'm just becoming defeated like any other mom and not displaying anything of Christ. I am losing the opportunity to be a witness to Christ by showing love and patience with my children despite challenging circumstances!
2. I realized yesterday that I also haven't really been forgiving Eli. I discipline him for disobedience, but then I continue being mad at him. That's not forgiveness. So I don't know if I need to create more closure to discipline times or if it's just something to draw to my attention.
"Although we can't control everything that happens to us, we can choose how we will respond to what happens." (Cooper, Wife of Happy Husband)
This reminds me of a forum post called The List That Saved My Marriage. A wife had to decided to leave her husband, retreating to her parents' house. When she got there her mom told her she could not leave her husband until she followed through with an assignment first: on one column make a list of her husband's traits that totally drove her nuts. She thought the other column would be to then list good qualities. But instead she was told to write how she usually responds to each nagging quality. When she saw herself on paper and how sinful her own actions were she was compelled to go home and give her marriage another shot, this time with a new attitude.
Whether it's in your marriage or in your parenting, take time this week to really look at how you're reacting to challenging situations. What can you do differently? Make a plan.
Does your grocery store have the carts with the car on the front so he could drive and be somewhat contained and entertained? Probably not as I'm guessing you would have already taken advantage of that!
ReplyDeleteIf not, perhaps maybe you could get him involved before you go when you're making your list.
Give him his own list and cut out pictures (could be part of your 'school' lesson the day before or something) of the things he has to find. Like oranges or milk or juice and bread. Things that he already can identify and you'll easily find in a magazine. Then he gets to carry around his list and look for those items. Sort of like a treasure hunt.
Or how about giving him something to look forward to that he CAN touch. Like when you pick out the lettuce or apples, let him take them off the pile. Or when you're in the freezer section teach him about when you open the door it will be cold and let him test it out.
And then of course there is the obvious - lots of praise - throughout the trip, for every simple silly thing. I find the more I interact positively the more I get positive reaction back. Colbster especially loves that we end the store at the deli counter and he gets rewarded for good behavior with a piece of cheese or ham. Seems silly but here are some ideas for simple praise, you and I might thing it was to be expected, but they are so little they don't figure it out unless we continuously remind them... "Wow, Eli, that was fantastic, mom is so proud of you for holding on to the cart while we turned the corner from aisle 1 to aisle 2." And then maybe distract him the following aisle by getting him to count to ten or something because you just used #s. "Great job, buddy, you stayed by the cart while mom was picking out the yogurt." Do you have a favorite yogurt flavor we can should bring home with us?
Just some ideas for what I might do in the coming months when I'm in your predicament. OK - So actually you're my test subject... try em out and let me know if any of the plan is worth a doodle or if it is going to totally fail next year when I'm dragging 2 along to the store?!
Ok so that was long and drawn out - sorry :)
Sounds like you've got the 'need to change something' positive attitude - so make a plan, try it a few time and if not, try something new. GOOD LUCK!
Way to go, Sarah! You an encouraging woman! You can do this. You are a great mother and wife and friend and daughter and sister. Thanks for being inspiring and sharing from your own experience.
ReplyDeleteoh Sarah, I am really with you on that one! The worst thing ever is shopping with 3 kids!! (still is for me in the summer). A few things I have found that can help. All the stores here give cookies at the bakery counter. So I tell them if they obey me in the store they can have one but if they don't they loose it. Another thing is I let them pick something out to buy - normally a cheap box of macaroni. Then I let them carry it and it keeps their hands off of other things. If they touch things when they shouldn't I slyly flick their hand which is a more disreet dicipline.
ReplyDeleteIt IS really hard so don't think its just you! When I had 2 that same age I would sometimes put Micah in the back of the cart and stack my groceries under the cart and even around him. That can work sometimes. And YES - it was a miracle when they invented the truck/racecar carts!!
You're doing great Sarah! I can't imagine how difficult it must be to go to the store with two. I liked the above suggestions.
ReplyDeleteI have found that I must, must make a point of telling Caleb my expectations before we go in the store. I repeat them to him so many times he will tell me I know what to do. I tell him i just want to remind him. It seems I can tell a difference in his behavior too when I don't remind him of this in the beginning. I make him hold onto the buggy as we walk. He tries to jump on and pretend he's a garbage man, hanging on the edge, but I stop and make him get off. One thing that made an impression on him was a time we were in the store I saw a little girl about his age holding on to the buggy. I pointed this out to Caleb and told him how nicely she was walking with her Mommy and getting to walk (this was before he started walking I think). So then he wanted to try it.
You can use rewards too. Of course you wouldn't want it to always be a food treat from the store, but it could be a sticker when you get back to the car or something to show Daddy when he gets home of his good behavior at the shopping trip.
You're a wonderful Mom!! Keep it up!