I try to be real on this blog. I don't want to just share all the good ideas and happy stories. I want to share the ups and downs, in hopes that it would help even one person out there dealing with the same thing. So today I want to open myself to you readers and share an area in which I've been struggling: anger towards my 2-yr old toddler. I've had a really hard time lately controlling my anger and frustrations with Eli. I've been disciplining out of anger and yelling and just not being a good example to my son. I know it and I hate it and I so want get control again. I was talking to a close friend about it, got some good ideas from her, and have been reflecting on the following Bible verses on anger and patience:
Proverbs 14:17 "A quick-tempered man does foolish things, and a crafty man is hated."
Proverbs 14:29 "A patient man has great understanding, but a quick-tempered man displays folly."
Proverbs 16:32 "Better is a patient man than a warrior, a man on who controls his temper than one who takes a city."
Proverbs 19:11 "A man's wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense."
Ephesians 4:22-5:2 "...put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness... In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold... Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs [even to my toddler]... Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another [even to my toddler], forgiving each other, just as Christ God forgave you. Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love..."
Colossians 3:8,12-14 "But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips... as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity."
Galatians 5:22 "...the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control."
1 Corinthians 10:13 "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it."
Ecclesiastes 7:9 "Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools."
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If I don't display patience, kindness, and self-control then I am no better off than my toddler throwing tantrums. He will learn more from watching me then he will ever learn from what I tell him. It is so very important for me to get a grip on life and give him a good example to follow by using God as my strength instead of relying on myself.
When I was talking to my friend Angie she gave me some good ideas of how to discipline. They had just started this with their toddler and it sounded good to me, so we gave it a shot and so far I think it's really helping! So here's what we do: first step, when Eli disobeys or does something he knows he shouldn't we take him into the bathroom for his discipline. This alone makes a HUGE difference. 1) That short walk into a separate room helps me calm down and get control of the situation. 2) It helps to separate Eli from what he's upset about, whether it's a certain toy he wants or something he's wanting to get at. second step, spanking. third step, since disobeying us is disobeying God, we have Eli say, "Sorry, God, for _____ (yelling at Mommy, throwing the toy, hitting Grandma, etc)" I love that this step helps Eli recognize and confess what he has done wrong. fourth step, we don't leave the bathroom until Eli is calmed down. When we do return to the scene of the crime, Eli is so much better. He really seems to be responding well to this. And it's also easy to follow through when we're not at home, because we're already used to going to a separate room. So, thank you, Angie for all your help!
Proverbs 14:17 "A quick-tempered man does foolish things, and a crafty man is hated."
Proverbs 14:29 "A patient man has great understanding, but a quick-tempered man displays folly."
Proverbs 16:32 "Better is a patient man than a warrior, a man on who controls his temper than one who takes a city."
Proverbs 19:11 "A man's wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense."
Ephesians 4:22-5:2 "...put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness... In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold... Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs [even to my toddler]... Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another [even to my toddler], forgiving each other, just as Christ God forgave you. Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love..."
Colossians 3:8,12-14 "But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips... as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity."
Galatians 5:22 "...the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control."
1 Corinthians 10:13 "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it."
Ecclesiastes 7:9 "Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools."
********
When I was talking to my friend Angie she gave me some good ideas of how to discipline. They had just started this with their toddler and it sounded good to me, so we gave it a shot and so far I think it's really helping! So here's what we do: first step, when Eli disobeys or does something he knows he shouldn't we take him into the bathroom for his discipline. This alone makes a HUGE difference. 1) That short walk into a separate room helps me calm down and get control of the situation. 2) It helps to separate Eli from what he's upset about, whether it's a certain toy he wants or something he's wanting to get at. second step, spanking. third step, since disobeying us is disobeying God, we have Eli say, "Sorry, God, for _____ (yelling at Mommy, throwing the toy, hitting Grandma, etc)" I love that this step helps Eli recognize and confess what he has done wrong. fourth step, we don't leave the bathroom until Eli is calmed down. When we do return to the scene of the crime, Eli is so much better. He really seems to be responding well to this. And it's also easy to follow through when we're not at home, because we're already used to going to a separate room. So, thank you, Angie for all your help!
8 comments:
Thanks, Sarah (and Angie). You have NO idea how much I needed this.
It takes courage to admit that, huh?. =)
Love,
Julie
Thank you for your honesty! I have been there! Spent way too many years as a yelling, screaming, out of control Mom ...
But I also started praying about my temper towards my kids and with God's help I've gotten SO much better!
Thankfully the kids forgive and forget and the Lord forgives me too!
Motherhood is one of the hardest and yet most rewarding journeys ... I know I could never do it without God's help!
Sarah, it is hard to raise children, "but this too shall pass".
I remember when mine were little, my husband kept telling me "Pick your Battles" and I did and my two kids turned out just fine. (Kelly is one) So honey, don't sweat the small stuff. He will grow out of this so quickly you will hardly remember any of it. Just in time for Little Hannah to grow into it.LOL
You are a good Mom and you will do fine!!!
I like this plan. It is hard. I've found how we think we have things "under control" and then something changes and something is different and the same things don't work. It is a constant learning proces I've found.
This is a good plan,thanks for sharing it.
Sarah, If I could add an old-guy's perspective... Way to go on being real. It took a lot of courage to write what you did. Now I know for sure that you are one of us ;-)
It has been 20 years since I had a two year old, so you won't get any up-to-the-minute techniques from me. Sorry. I think it is important to let you know that Eli learns more from how you handle yourself WHEN you lose your temper than he ever could from your telling him how to handle his own temper. Much more is caught than taught. In order to do that, you have to lose your temper from time to time. Not fun, but it happens to us all.
Imagine if you were a perfect parent raising your less than perfect child. If all he ever saw was a mom who was absolutely always perfect; always had the right answer, never did anything wrong, always cheerful... what would his experience be? He would see an ideal that he could never reach. He would be one frustrated little man because of his expectations of perfection for himself. He wouldn't have any exposure to how someone handles themselves when they fall apart.
The bad news is that we are imperfect parents... The good news is that we are imperfect parents. That's why we need a savior. That's why we need grace. That is how we know what it is like to receive grace. That's what makes it easy to give grace just like we receive it.
You are blessed to have a friend like Angie. Your mom and Daddy Jim were friends like that for Jeanie and me. You are a terrific mom. I am glad to know you.
I'm SO with you! Though I have less anger problems during the toddler stage than the preschool stage. Something about the 3-5 years old thing just gets to me. My daughters crying really pushes my buttons. I have to take a deep breath and honestly sometimes just walk away!
The way you are disciplining him is basically what we do with our kids. We take them into our bedroom. They really go through stages too so some day ARE worse than others!
Fun times.
Sarah,
I think we have all been there! I confess that I feel that I am often the yelling, screaming mom that I always swore I would not be. And then I get down on myself and think that means I am a horrible mother! What we need to realize is that while they are learning how to live in this world, we are also learning how to parent them, and so we have to all be patient with each other.
I like the new discipline idea. I may keep that handy to use with my soon to be 2 year old who is starting to throw tantrums of his own! (Thank goodness the 4 year old seems to be coming out of the tantrums now that she can tell us what wrong!)
Just know that it gets better, and your not a bad mom, especially because you know you want to change and you're already working on it!
Good luck and God bless!
Sarah,
You are an amazing Mommy! It takes a strong person to realize what they don't like about themselves and to take action to change it! I'm proud of you!
Alisha
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