What I've learned (so far) from 10 years of marriage.

I'm just a regular girl here, sharing my heart about what I've learned in marriage thus far in our 10 years. It hasn't always been fantastic, struggles can be very real, but I am SO THANKFUL for where we are now and how we are still growing and still learning. There is great reward in perseverance. BUT it always makes me nervous to post things like this because extreme circumstances in marriage or a home can call for a whole different solution. There are no absolutes in this earth. Be wise and discerning, and listen for God's voice. He has a different walk for each of us, but this is what I've learned.  All of these points apply to both spouses but I don't want to mess with constantly say him/her, so that's that. Read on, my friends...

1. God is in control, He is faithful, and His ways are good. Even when times are hard, like really hard, get in the Word, and do the right thing anyway and God will see you through. And when you don't do the right thing, God will see you through that too. Because He is faithful and loving, and that's not just a hope, it's a promise. 

2. Grace. Love anyway, respect anyway, forgive anyway. No one is perfect, period. 

3. Intimacy means so much more than sex. It also means letting your spouse be THE one you turn to, and sharing things with only him. Not your girlfriends, not social media. Let your moments, experiences, and feelings be private sometimes too. In a culture that is so media-driven and wrapped up in communication and  sharing everything at all moments of the day, this is a biggy. It also means being fully present with those you are with, especially with your spouse and family.

4. People change, it's inevitable. Accept who your spouse is now--the good and the not so good. With the flaws, with the sin, with the brokenness--and walk together through life's ebbs and flows. Sure, you can pray for one another in certain areas, but find a contentment in where he is. Be his supporter, not his adversary. Love and accept the way Christ does: HE's not looking for perfection, so neither should I. HE's looking for my heart, and so is my husband.

5. Protect your marriage, always. Be careful what you watch on TV and movies and read in books--it can create false expectations and ideals that are not reality, leaving you to be continually disappointed with real life. Be careful about who you are friends with and where you go for support and advice. Surround yourself with things that inspire you to be a better person and better wife. Be careful about what you are turning to for happiness. Even GOOD things can start coming before your spouse. 

6. Focus on the positive. There are always negative things about a person or circumstance, but there are ALWAYS good things too, and a lot of them if you choose to look for them. Focus on that, cultivate a heart of gratitude. There's a huge power in positive thinking. Let it transform your attitude and way of life. 

7. Marriage is worth it. It's amazing. Not perfect, but amazing. To have a lifelong companion, supporter, lover, and friend. To grow to know someone so well that you know his habits, his routine, his likes and dislikes, his needs, his wants, his dreams, and working together becomes natural and as easy as breathing. Okay, maybe not always but more often than not. It takes work and intentional effort, not because there's "something wrong" but simply because life is always changing, circumstances are always changing, people are always changing, and we are two sinners trying work as one. But the one constant is God. Let Him be your compass, your biggest supporter, and your source of joy and peace that binds all things together. He is faithful.


I believe in marriage. I am in it for the long haul, for all that it is and all that it will be. I am thankful for the good times and sweet memories that no one can steal, and I am thankful for the bumps and valleys that help me grow stronger and wiser. Life itself is not easy, let alone life with another human being. Marriage will refine me and help me to grow more like Jesus through the years. May my heart be always open to His leading. Each day is a fresh start, each moment is a choice. Remember these truths, and press on!

What does it mean to Love?

Here are a few questions about love and marriage that I can't wait to ask my kids this week.  Would love to know what their perceptions are as they age through the years...  =) 

Download printable HERE.

Happy 8 years!

Today is our 8-year anniversary, and I'm so happy and so thankful. We have much to celebrate!

("Happy 8 Day" this is actually a Brian Regan reference. our favorite comedian.)

It hasn't always been easy. In fact it's often been downright hard and ugly.  And seemingly hopeless.

But we continue to choose love.

 

We continue to choose forgiveness

 

and JOY

and commitment.

Because

after all

 

isn't that what love is about??

The power of positive thinking.

All of today's Love Dare was really good today, so I thought I'd share the whole thing, because everyone can benefit from the power of positive thinking. And honestly, I encourage you to read the whole book, because so far, it's very good!

Day 7: Love believes the best.  "[Love] believes all things, hopes all things." 1 Corinthians 13:7

In the deep and private corridors of your heart, there is a room. It's called the Appreciation Room. It's where your thoughts go when you encounter positive and encouraging things about your spouse. And every so often, you enjoy visiting this special place.

On the walls are written kind words and phrases describing the good attributes of your mate. These may include characteristics like "honest" and "intelligent", or phrases like "diligent worker," "wonderful cook," or "beautiful eyes". They are things you've discovered about your husband or wife that have embedded themselves in your memory. When you think about these things, your appreciation for your spouse begins to increase. In fact, the more time you spend meditating on these positive attributes, the more grateful you are for your mate.

Most things in the Appreciation Room were likely written in the initial stages of your relationship. You could summarize them as things you liked and respected about your loved one. They were true, honorable, and good. And you spent a great deal of time dwelling on them in this room... before you were married. But you may have found that you don't visit this special room as often as you once did. That's because there is another competing room nearby.

Down another dark corridor of your heart lies the Depreciation Room, an unfortunately you visit there as well. On its walls are written the things that bother and irritate you about your spouse. These things were placed there out of frustration, hurt feelings, and the disappointment of unmet expectations.

This room is lined with the weaknesses and failures of your husband and wife. Their bad habits, hurtful words, and poor decisions are written in large letters that cover the walls from one end to the other.  If you stay in this room long enough, you get depressed and start expressing things like, "My wife is so selfish," or "My husband can be such a jerk." Or maybe, "I think I married the wrong person."

Some people write very hateful things in this room, where tell-off statements are rehearsed for the next argument. Emotional injuries fester here, adding more scathing remarks to the walls. It's where ammunition is kept for the next big fight and bitterness is allowed to spread like a disease. People fall out of love here.

But know this. Spending time in the Depreciation Room kills marriages. Divorces are plotted in this room and violent plans are schemed. The more time you spend in this place, the more your heart devalues your spouse. It begins the moments you walk in the door, and your care for them lessens with every second that ticks by.

You may say, "But these things are true!" Yes, but so are the things in the Appreciation Room. Everyone fails and has areas of that need growth. Everyone has unresolved issues, hurts, and personal baggage. This is a sad aspect of being human. We have all sinned. But we have this unfortunate tendency to downplay our own negative attributes while putting our partner's failures under a magnifying glass.

Let's get down to the real issue here. Love knows about the Depreciation Room and does not live in denial that it exists.

But we choose not live there.

You must decide to stop running to this room and lingering there after every frustrating event in your relationship. It does you no good and drains the joy out of your marriage.

Loves chooses to believe the best about people. It gives them the benefit of the doubt. It refuses to fill in the unknowns with negative assumptions. And when our worst hopes are proven to be true, loves makes every effort to deal with them and move forward. As much as possible, loves focuses on the positive.

It's time to start thinking differently. It's time to let love lead your thoughts and your focus. The only reason you should glance in the door of the Depreciation Room is to know how to pray for your spouse. And the only reason you should ever go in this room is to write "COVERED IN LOVE" in huge letters across the walls.

It's to move into the Appreciation Room, to settle down and make it your home. As you choose to meditate on the positives, you will learn that many more wonderful character qualities could be written across these walls. Your spouse is a living, breathing, endless book to be read. Dreams and hopes have yet to be realized. Talents and abilities may be discovered like hidden treasure. But the choice to explore them starts with a decision by you.

You must develop the habit of reining in your negative thoughts and focusing on the positive attributes of your mate. This is a crucial step as you learn to lead your heart to truly love your spouse. It is a decision that you make, whether they deserve it or not.

Today's assignment was to make a list of positive things about your spouse and a list of negative things.  There is different purpose and plan for each. At some point during the day, pick a positive attribute and thank your spouse for having this characteristic.

Happy 7 years to my love!

7 years

3 moves

3 kids

1 big job change

Sold a house

Bought a house

Several house renovations later

...and here we are

still standing

still holding hands

still staying

still loving

still choosing each other.

Because that's what love is all about.

We haven't been without our ups and downs, fights and cries, and uncertainties. The first year was hard. I wasn't especially glowing. It was hard, because reality came into focus and expectations got thrown out the window and we just had to learn a way of respecting and loving each other. And that, my friends, never ends. Then pregnancies, nursing babies and fussy toddlers came, one after the next after the next. And parenting and learning how to discipline continued to increase. And now, here we are. Finally feeling a little bit like we can breathe again. The kids are getting a little bit more independent each day and we can enjoy them and each other as a family, marriage can and is becoming a priority again, and I'm so excited.

I'm so excited about the 7 years that have brought us to this point. I am thankful for the three BEAUTIFUL children God has given us. I am thankful for the man I have come to KNOW. Like REALLY know. And I'm excited for all that is to come!

Happy anniversary!!

A new week

A week ago I was pretty down in the dumps about life and marriage.  God was really revealing a lot of things to me about myself.  It was good but it was hard.  I was able to share those thoughts with Kevin. And we had a great weekend as a family, including a date night out.  Who cares that we just went out to eat, Target, Lowes, dessert, then home.  It was just the two of us, and during that time we talked about what other dates we might do.  I really want to try for every two weeks if we can at all POSSIBLE squeeze some time in, even something little.  I left the weekend feeling excited, excited for a growing relationship with my husband, and feeling hopeful for what's to come.  Gosh, sometimes I feel like I'm bipolar cuz now this week I feel zest for life. I gave Kevin a simple card, thanking him for his hard work over the weekend and of course telling him that I love and appreciate him.  And I've also got some ideas brewing for how we can better connect with other friends from church, since Kevin is often gone on Sundays.  Lots of growth coming for all of us, I hope.  So cheers to this new week!

I Am a Control Freak.

I am a control freak. And so, at any given minute you are probably doing the "wrong" thing, not the thing I want you to be doing.  Whether you're pooping too long or in the wrong bathroom, you're parking in the wrong spot, working on the computer instead of playing with the kids, working on a project instead of cleaning up dinner, NOT working on a project, not eating enough dinner, saying No to dessert, or using the wrong tone of voice, I get upset. I get upset over little little things.

Most of the time I try not to say anything though because I don't want to be a nagging wife. So instead my insides boil just thinking it, and trying to hold it in.

And if we're trying to make it somewhere on time, just forget it. I'm probably going to blow my top. I try to plan ahead so we're not rushed, but I can't control everything.  The baby poops and a diaper needs changed, or someone needs to go potty again, or we can't find a shoe, or the sippy cup is misplaced. There seems to always be something. And that's what's hard.

I need to learn that even in marriage I need to choose my battles.  Let the little things go. Let. It. Go. Keep perspective and focus on something else instead of stewing. And {kindly} communicate my desires, so my husband knows my thoughts.

I don't really know how to change all this in an instant. So I'm just going to say I'm sorry.  God has been opening my eyes, allowing me to see who and what I am. And it aint pretty. It's quite the opposite. So please forgive me and know that I am trying.

Trying to slow down, take a deep breath, and ask myself if it really matters.  If not, I'm moving on! Or at least I'm trying.

Used to be.

We used to play tennis in the evenings. We used to fly kites at the park. Ride bikes through a shady trail. Go for walks. Play frisbee or catch with a ball.   We used to eat out with friends after church. Every time. We used to go to movies at the theater. Eat at restaurants frequently. And run errands together. Always. We used to order pizza in on rainy days. We used to sleep in together and watch movies in the afternoon. We used to have conversations. We used to work out together. Go Jeepin'. Take trips spontaneously. Go camping. Take pictures of ourselves.

And then.

We had kids.

And ALL that changed.

Now, we don't do ANY of that. What fun is it to arrange a babysitter just to go do something simple like fly a kite? There's no spontaneity, there's no freedom to just BE and have fun with one another. It has to be arranged and planned and timed. And then, that just takes the fun out of it.

So what's next? How do we get it back? The thrill of one another??

The best book EVER.

A story of love and redemption. Struggle, promises, and hope. Faith and prayer. Sacrifice. Forgiveness.

The Bible.

You see, I'm a Christian, a live-it-out-daily (or at least I try) kind of Christian.  My faith is personal, not just a church service.  BUT I am not very good at sitting down and reading my Bible.  The biggest reason is not because I don't want to or because I don't have time, because I DO.  There's ALWAYS time, even when we don't think there is. The biggest reason I don't read my Bible very often is because I don't have a clue what to read!  It's a big book, where do I begin? I always find myself in the New Testament because that's what speaks most to us in this day.  I often use Bible Gateway.com to look up a specific topic area, writing down all the verses that apply to it.  I love that.  It is helpful.  It does speak to my heart. But, as I've been learning recently, the Bible is more than that.

"We mistakenly treat the Bible as if it were arranged by topic--you know, the world's best compendium of human problems and divine solutions.  So when we're thinking about marriage {for example}, we run to all the marriage passages.  But the Bible isn't an encyclopedia; it is a story, the great origin-to-destiny story of redemption.  In fact, it is more than a story.  It is a theologically annotated story.  It is a story with God's notes.  This means that we cannot understand what the Bible has to say about marriage by looking only at the marriage passages, because there is a vast amount of biblical information about marriage not found in the marriage passages. In fact, we could argue, to the degree that every portion of the Bible tells us things about God, about ourselves, about life in this present world, and about the nature of the human struggle and the divine solution, to that degree every passage in the Bible is a marriage passage." (Paul David Tripp, What Did You Expect?)

SO.  I've always wanted to do this and now I'm more motivated once again to read the Bible, the ENTIRE Bible, cover to cover.  To tie together the origin-to-destiny and everything-in-between story.  I've got my chronological Bible reading plan printed and I will plow through it bit by bit.  I don't care if it takes me a few months or more than a year, I just want to read every word. But it's all part of the great story.

6 years...

Today
is our 6-year anniversary.
We spent new year's weekend away
just the two of us.
It wasn't romantic really
But
it was good.
I'm thankful
for this wonderful man in my life.
Really.
I wish I always saw it wonderful
but it's hard.
I wish I was more thankful
but that's hard too.
I wish I didn't have expectations
but I'm a woman,
married to a man
so sometimes
there's a clash
between dream and reality.
I guess
I love him so much
I want more of him.
I want
to talk and laugh and cuddle.
I want to dream.
No stress,
no demands.
But that
isn't real.
Real is...
being together.
Sharing the same memories.
Watching your children be born,
building a family,
going places,
knowing all the details
about a single person
Yet wondering
who he will become.
What is ahead?
Where will we go?
How do we get there?
But knowing all the same
right here
is where I want to be.

Traits of a Good Help Meet

Alright guys, I did it.  I finally {what a year later probably?} finished the book.  I'm not sure why I'm such a sloooow reader, but it in no way portrays my like/dislike for a book.  I LOVED this book, Created to Be His Help Meet by Debbi Pearl {thank you, Julie, for loaning me the book for half a decade! I WILL get it returned to you!}

This one quote pretty much sums up Debbi's theme of the entire book:

"No matter who or what your husband is, your job is to be his help meet.  When you approach him with light in your eyes, that light will reflect back to you."  (284)

It was pretty amazing reading some of the letters from people throughout the book and how just a change in their own attitude is what then made ALL the difference in their marriage, even in the very worst of all marriages! 

At the end of most chapters Debi lists some traits of a good help meet.  I kept a running compilation of these traits and here's the master list.  Read through it slowly and evaluate yourself and imagine the kind of woman this is...

Traits of a good help meet:

* She is joyful.

* She makes love fun.

* She is thankful and content.

* She asks God for wisdom.

* She learns to understand and appreciate her man for who he is.

* She learns to be flexible.

* She fears God.

* She believes God's word as it is written.

* She considers her position as a help meet a privileged command.

* She acknowledges the "good traits" in her man.

* She speaks of her husband with esteem.

* She defers to him.

* She never responds to him with scorn or ridicule.

* She provides an oasis for her man.

* She fixes meals that please him; she does not cook to suit herself.

* She plans and prepares well ahead of time.

* She exercises self-discipline.

* She establishes a haven of rest.

* She will adjust to her husband's time schedule and eating habits.

* She will relax and enjoy her family, instead of fretting.

* She glories in answering her husband's needs.

* She learns to know his needs even before he is aware he has them.

* She empties her mind of the cares of the world so her body can respond to him with eagerness.

* She soberly considers the needs of her children before her own interests.

* She invests time in training them to know and do many things.

* She schools herself in diet and medicine to be better equipped to keep them safe.

* She grows in grace and knowledge.

* She is gracious and honest.

* She is without guile toward her husband.

* She can be found at home.

* She takes her responsibilities seriously.

* She maintains safety for her children in the refuge where God has put her.

* She fears blaspheming God's Word. She knows that whatsoever you sow, you will reap.

* She is at home being an earthbound guardian angel to her children.

* She makes valuable uses of her time at home, creating a clean and pleasant haven.

* She helps.

* She is a doer.  She busy serving others.

* She serves her husband first, her children second, others next, and herself last.

* She is genuine and well-disposed.

* She is yielding, willing, and eager to accomplish injunctions or desires, and abstains from that which is forbidden.

* She looks for ways to obey and reverence her husband.

* She channels her mind into positive ways of saying "yes".

* She never considers herself to be an exception to the rule of being a help meet.

There's sooo much I've learned from this book!  I really want to be a whole different person when it comes to my marriage and home and parenting, and I'm praying for a better start right now!

More posts related to this book:

* ABCs of Being a Help Meet

* My Mission Statement for the Home

* Reverence

* More on Reverence

* My Homework: being a better help meet

* What I am learning

ABCs of Being a Help Meet

I got to this page in Created to Be His Help Meet today and thought I'd share...

A - Admit when you are wrong
B - Be positive
C - Cuddle
D - Do it his way
E - Encourage him
F - Fix his breakfast
G - Give back rubs
H - Hug often
I - "I love you" should be said many times daily
J - Joke around in a playful manner
K - Know his needs
L - Listen to him
M - Manage your home well
N - Never hold grudges
O - Open your eyes in the morning and smile
P - Pray for him
Q - Quit nagging him
R - Reminisce about good times
S - Show respect and honor
T - Trust, and earn his trust
U - Understand his need for reverence
V - Vulnerability is a feminine train; cultivate it
W - Wink at him
X - X is for private times
Y - Yearn to please him
Z - Zealously guard him with your love

I can see there are a few of these things I could definitely do more of. And some of these things have greatly diminished in the life of three little ones. I had my mom come last Saturday so Kevin and I could go out for the day sans kids. Even Carter who I nurse full-time. I left a couple bottles for him and brought my pump along for me, and we were off for a very enjoyable day out. It went all too quickly, as it always does. And all we did was run errands. But man, to walk into a store holding hands with my husband and to get in and out of the car without juggling a full load was SO FREEING! We could get through a complete sentence without interruption and actually carry on conversation, joke, and laugh. I do NOT want to wish this time away with my beautiful children, but man, guys, this phase of life is hard on a marriage. At least for me it is. When Kevin and I were out I realized how out of touch we've been and how distant the life of US seems! We hang out at home, we watch movies together, and chat about things, but it's always still within the context of our stressful life we now live. When we got home Saturday afternoon I was once again reminded how DESPERATELY I need to find a baby sitter for our family! So Kevin and I can spend uninterrupted time together on a REGULAR basis, every month! My soul wants that oh so badly {even more than I want a dishwasher!} But it's hard to make that first step. To go with someone we don't know. So that's one of my very biggest goals this year, find a baby sitter. Reconnect with my husband. Regularly. And re-find the joy we have in each other!

Love is patient.

I read this is in today's Love Dare devotion, Day 23, and it really struck me today, more towards my parenting than towards my marriage since that's where I'm really struggling this week. Anyway, thought I'd share...

"Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." Ephesians 4:2

"...patience is one of the attributes that best defines what love is. When you choose to be patient, you respond in a positive way to a negative situation. You are slow to anger, choosing to have a long fuse instead of a quick temper. Rather than being restless and demanding, love helps you settle down and begin extending mercy to those around you.
Patience brings an internal calm during an external storm. It is the choice to control your emotions rather than allowing your emotions to control you, and it shows discretion instead of returning evil for evil. 'Bearing with one another in love' should become a motto you carry into every day..."

5-yr anniversary

...was yesterday and we had a really great day! We were snowed in and didn't do much. Our day started early at 5am when we tripped our circuit breaker because of the space heater we were running extra hard that night. Eli woke up when everything shut off and he ended up in bed with us until I gave him the boot at 6am because he was still awake and just hogging my space. =) He went back to his bed but I don't think he ever did go back to sleep. Kevin had the day off, so we just hung around the house in our jammies all day. We had blueberry bagels, bacon, and scrambled eggs for brunch. We had a productive morning and got new shades put up in the kids' rooms, got the guest room tidied up again, and laundry folded and put away. In the afternoon while the kids were napping Kevin and I played a game (Ticket to Ride); it was a super close game but I won. We had a yummy candlelight dinner of lemon garlic pork tenderloin, seasoned green beans (I put garlic pepper on them this time along with the butter and it was GOOD!), cinnamon applesauce, fruit salad, and rolls. After dinner we watched the video of our wedding ceremony (I'm not sure we've ever watched it before and I thought it would be fun to share with the kids, though they kept asking where they were in the video.) While we watched the video we had cheesecake topped with homemade whipped cream for dessert. After kids were in bed Kevin and I watched an episode of Smallville and we too were off to sweet dreams. It was just a nice day and a great way to celebrate 5 years of marriage to my wonderful hubby!

Happy Birthday, honey!

Today I am celebrating my husband. His life, his presence in my life, the man that he is, the father he's become. I am so so thankful!

By the way, my Kansas City pics are up OVER HERE!

My Mission Statement for the Home.

I'm now into the second half of the book Created to Be His Help Meet, and it focuses on Titus 2:3-5 and woman's domain over the home. A favorite passage:

"When a woman soberly considers the needs, time schedule, and resources of her home, then she will be a more efficient help meet. This planning will eliminate tension and help set a peaceful mood. It is the simple things in life that can break down a marriage and bring out a bitter divorce. But on the positive side, it is the simpler planning of life's activities that can bring health, prosperity, peace, and happiness to a sound marraige and produce gratifying family relationships. Men (and children) appreciate good meals, a clean house, and an atmosphere of peace--a refuge from the stress of life." (147-8)

Reading this reminded me so much of what I've come up with as my personal mission statement (Day 3's challenge of the 31 Days to Clean challenge) When writing my statement I adapted a quote that's always stuck with me from reading The Power of a Praying Wife in the first year of our marriage. So here is my personal mission statement for how I want to keep our home:

I strive to see that the heart of my home is a peaceful sanctuary--a source of contentment, acceptance, rejuvenation, nurturing, rest, and love for my family--while at the same time remaining a place of instruction, comfort, and joy.

It seems like a lot to tackle especially with two, soon to be three, little ones in the house. But I do feel it is so important, so I'm going to work to keep this atmosphere my goal. And most of all, that starts with my attitude.

"A wise woman doesn't let little things stir her spirit to agitation. With a quiet and meek spirit, she seeks to make all things better." (153)

This of course comes from one of my favorite Bible verses, "[Your beauty] should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." 1 Peter 3:4 That sounds so beautiful and sweet, but is so, so, so hard to DO!!

So with all that in mind, this is my focus for the week:
* to be productive with my time and work hard to really tidy up all the way and follow my cleaning schedule (this means maybe posting it so I actually SEE it every day!)
* to have a good attitude
* to not get upset over the little things, allowing it to "stir my spirit to agitation"
* to spend time in the word and in prayer every day (even if it's just a little bit) so I can keep my peace and focus

And with that, I must sign off and get to work!

More on reverence.

If you haven't read my first post on the subject, start there and then come back.

I just read on to the next chapter of Created to Be His Help Meet and there it tells more about what we as wives can do to reverence our hubbies. A lot of it is what I had already thought up in my reflections from last chapter. But it's still so good to hear...

"Reverence is not just how you act; it is how you feel and how you respond with words and with your body language. It is not enough to get up and serve him; your eyes and the quick, carefree swing of your body must indicate your delight to be engaged in serving your man. You cannot fool a man. He can see your heart as well or better than you can. Keep an eye on his dinner plate so you can anticipate his needs. Deference is a hot cup of tea while you take his shoes off after a hard day's work. It is a glad face when he returns after being gone for a short time. It is thankfulness for his attention and affection. Deference to your man is the height of true femininity. It makes a woman beautiful, gracious, and lovely to all, but most especially to him." (137)

Now before I go any further, I just wanted to say that in reading the previous chapter I had to look up the word deference because it was not a term I'd heard before and the dictionary defines deference as respectful submission. Okay, moving on...

"You cannot command your husband to love you, and you have no right to expect him to love you when you are unlovely. But God has provided a way for a woman to cause her husband to love and cherish her. God gave us ladies some keys to the avenues of a man's heart. God made it so that we can actually manipulate him into fulfilling his God-ordained duty. His very nature is made to respond to us if we will only treat him with reverence." (139)

Now there is a lot about that whole paragraph that I don't like, especially about manipulating our husbands. Manipulate is such an ugly word, and that is not at all the intent. The focus should always remain on how we are serving our God by serving and reverencing our husbands. But the paragraph does show how powerful we are to our man and how when we clean up our own actions, the rest will [but not always] fall into place.

"A man will allow his woman many, many, faults, as long as he knows that she thinks he is great. If she will just look into his face with adoration, if she is thankful to him for loving her, he will adore her." (140)

Read on, this is so me!

"Women, on the other hand, want their husbands to perform. They expect them to be spiritual, hardworking, diligent, sensitive, and an attentive parent, or they will take personal offense and begin to campaign to change him into 'their' image. I find it amazing that a woman would marry a MAN and then become angry because he continues to act like one." (141)

Ah, yes, that is so definitely how I am guilty of thinking! BUT I am learning to be thankful for the basics that are so easy to take for granted. Like being thankful for his attention, love, stability, faithfulness, security, etc.

So if you've read my last post about reverencing your husband, then here is a little more to think about! Blessings to you and your marriage!

Reverence.

So after several weeks of collecting dust on the book shelf, yesterday I finally picked up Created to Be His Help Meet to continue my reading (love this book!) and boy, was I challenged once again in journey of Godly womanhood. Chapter 13 is about reverencing your husband, and after reading this chapter I clearly see this is an area I need to work on and pray about. First, let's get some definitions. The book puts it as this:

1. Obedience is doing what you know the other person wants you to do.
2. Submission is your heart giving over to the other person's will.
3. Reverence is more than just doing what a man expects or demands. It is an act of the woman's will to treat him with a high degree of regard and awe.

The dictionary defines reverence as a feeling or attitude of deep respect tinged with awe.

I can already see that I fail to do this for my husband. Respect, yes. Awe, not so much.

But here is the most important reminder the author gave to me:

"She [a wife] is reverencing God by reverencing her husband, not because her husband is a fit representative of Christ, and not because he is a worthy substitute, but because God placed her in subjection to her husband... Her faith sees beyond the sinning man to the God who created us all and 'so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son..' John 3:16 If her faithfulness is never rewarded with a new-birth change in her husband, her commitment will not be wasted, for the grace that God is working in her heart is making her supremely fitted to be the bride of Christ." (127)

Because we are all sinners, no man necessarily deserves honor, respect, and reverence. But God calls us as women to do it anyway (Ephesians 5:33). So this is where we need to suck it up and just do it, forgive as Christ forgave us, obeying God's commands.

"Commit thy works unto the Lord, and thy thoughts shall be established." Proverbs 16:3

"The difference between a good marriage and a lousy one is not found in good husbands and good wives versus bad husbands and bad wives, for all marriages are made up of two sinners with lots of faults. A good marriage is good because one or both of them have learned to overlook the other's faults, to love the other as he or she is and to not attempt to change the other or bring him or her to repentance." (129)

The homework assignment at the end of this chapter was to do a word study on reverence. I spent a good amount of yesterday studying the following passages:

Leviticus 26:1
Joshua 5:13-15
Nehemiah 5:14-16
Psalm 5:7
Jeremiah 44:10
Daniel 6:26-27
Malachi 2:4-6
Acts 10:25
2 Corinthians 7:1
Ephesians 5:21
Colossians 3:22
Hebrews 12:28-29
1 Peter 3:1-2

As I read them, I wrote them in my journal, underlining the word reverence in each passage and circling the other key words that help me understand what reverence really looks like in action. And here is that list:

observe. fell facedown. devoted. bow down. humbled themselves. followed. fear. stood in awe. walked with me. peace. uprightness. fell at his feet. purity. holiness. submit. obey. sincerity of heart. thankful. worship. awe. submissive. purity.

Looking over those words, then I think about my own marriage and how I treat my husband. Do I really reverence my husband? I see how much I fall short. I see a whole other picture of how I can really serve my husband, leading me to the next part of the homework assignment...

* Ways I have not shown reverence toward my husband:

• I have not "bowed before him." I probably give off an attitude that my needs are equally important.
• I do not feel, let alone show, awe.
• I do not particularly show a life of purity and holiness.
• I do not always have sincerity of heart and instead am guilty of doing things grudgingly underneath it all.
  
• I do not always remember to be thankful and often forget to watch what I say to others about my husband.

* Ways to correct:

• Set everything aside to serve his needs. Encourage children to help as well, saying things like, "Look, Daddy's up! Let's see if he wants a snack!' or "Daddy's home! Let's help him take off his heavy boots!"
  
• Work on having a good attitude, showing peace, patience, and a gentle spirit by smiling and showing joy.
• Stop being so distracted with computer things and work hard to keep the home and have regular Bible study, showing a life of devotion and servanthood.
• Pray for God to change my heart.
• Choose words oh so carefully when talking with other women about my husband. Keep the focus on my own struggles and attitude rather than on my husband's actions. Use words like "I'm struggling with..." or "I'm having a hard time being thankful for..."
  

ALL of those things will require a great amount of prayer on my part in order to actually follow through, but God can do this work in me. And so, as my eyes have been opened to a new life attitude towards my husband, I encourage you to take the challenge as well and reflect on how you can reverence your own husband.

My homework: Being a better help meet

Okay, so I thought I'd share my answers from last week's homework assignment from the Created to Be His Help Meet book I'm currently reading and loving.

Monday: Write three new things that you will add to your life that will cause you to become more precious to your husband.
1. regular personal Bible time = better attitude
2. prayer for him and also tell him that I prayed for ____ today.
3. follow my cleaning schedule--ACTUAL cleaning, not just the basics like dishes and laundry

Tuesday: List three things that you can do that will be a help to him.
1. clean out his lunch box for him every day
2. regularly make sure he has fresh jeans for work
3. prepare some things for his lunches--boiled eggs, potatoes, etc

Wednesday: Write down three things you can do that will be an encouragement to him.
1. make a small treat with a note
2. occasionally have kids make art special for daddy
3. just say "I love you and I sure am thankful for you."

Thursday: Jot down three things about your appearance that you can change, which he is sure to like.
1. wear hair down more often, especially since he's the reason I grew it long in the first place
2. wear perfume sometimes
3. paint nails

Friday: List three things that you can do to your house that will please him.
1. keep the office clean since that's kind of his zone
2. clean our bedroom. since that's wear I fold laundry, it's super easy for it to get really cluttered in there.
3. always make sure toys are completely put away at the end of the day

Saturday: Write three things you can do that will make him feel like he is THE MAN.
1. tell him how great looks or smells
2. make it a point to tell him how strong he is when I need help with something.
3. tell him thank you when he makes a decision for the family. tell him I appreciate his wisdom and caution and that he's a smart man.

Sunday: Plan three things you can respond to him in front of others that will show a heart of respect and honor toward him.
1. share praises on blog/facebook
2. at church be sure to share how hard Kevin is working, especially the next couple months when he'll be missing church because of work
3. praise daddy to the kids


This seems like kind of an ambitious list to start implementing all at once, but I'll do the best I can! God has been shaping my heart lately in an incredible way and I truly enjoy serving and loving on my husband! It took a bit of time to sit down and fill out these lists, but it's worth it, I believe and I encourage you to do it as well!

Homework time!

For YOU that is! I just finished reading Chapter 12 of Created to Be His Help Meet and at the end of the chapter is a homework assignment I thought I'd encourage you to do as well. Think about it over the next few days and try to follow through with it next week. And if you want to, feel free to share your lists or the positive changes you see in your home. and marriage Alrighty, the assignment:

Monday: Write three new things that you will add to your life that will cause you to become more precious to your husband.

Tuesday: List three things that you can do that will be a help to him.

Wednesday: Write down three things you can do that will be an encouragement to him.

Thursday: Jot down three things about your appearance that you can change, which he is sure to like.

Friday: List three things that you can do to your house that will please him.

Saturday: Write three things you can do that will make him feel like he is THE MAN.

Sunday: Plan three things you can respond to him in front of others that will show a heart of respect and honor toward him.


READY, SET, GO! Be blessed!