Over the past year I have lost 25 lbs via a lot of hard work, hundreds of daily choices, food logging and exercise. It's exciting to see progress and change when you really put your mind to it, and I'm proud of where I am. But even though I don't really have more pounds to lose, I am still struggling with weight. Or at least I sure have CONVINCED myself that I am. My body is fine, but my mind has become obsessed, and I'm no longer able to truly ENJOY food or sitting down without feeling guilt or the need to "make up for it" later.
I am fighting hard to find balance. After reading this article and in an effort for this whole thing to stop consuming me, I made the difficult decision to give up the scale. Out of the house altogether, (although it still sits there right now in the bathroom). I thought giving up the scale would be freeing--I can FEEL when I'm up and I can FEEL when I'm down, I don't need numbers screaming at me and dictating whether it's a "fail" or "win" kind of day. Right??? But it turns out it's really hard to let go...
I have no accountability, no goal, no immediate reason NOT to cheat. And I like to cheat. I like sweets which so happen to be the #1 cause of weight gain. So now I'm swinging wildly again, in the upward direction surely. And my body feels like crap, huge and pregnant-looking. And mentally I feel like I'm losing it. I don't have things in control the way I like. I'm eating frivolously and impulsively: gluttony.
"Just stop cheating and eat right until you feel great again," I tell myself. I know this but it's easy to say and hard to do. And I'm starting to feel desperate and about to break, about to take it all back and say Nevermind. The scale is one of those things that can hold you in bondage, but at the same time weirdly provides a security you don't realize until it's gone. You became dependent on it. *I* became dependent on it. So now what?
A new beginning.
A new focus.
Something.
JOURNEY is a special word to me. Because that's what all of Life is. We never have it mastered. We never have it figured out. And this thing with weight, making it more important in my life than what it needs to be at all, is just a thing I'm working through right now...
Aside from the scale, aside from numbers or even sizes, I'm working toward gaining STRENGTH. Not just in my barbell curls but in my mind. Finding balance and being wholly healthy and well-rounded: physically, emotionally, spiritually. And hoping to focus more on the positive like this:
Thanks to everyone who is journeying with me...
More to come, I'm sure.
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