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Sunday, February 13, 2011

It takes me back to high school.

I'm one of the first to sit down at the lunch table.  I watch as everyone takes a seat next to their friends, wondering if anyone will choose me.  A lump forms in my throat as I fight back tears right there in the middle of everyone.  Does not anyone like me??  Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry.  I tell the kids I'll be right back and excuse myself to the bathroom where I fan my face with my hands, trying to pull myself together and get collected.  I return quickly with a fake smile and finish the meal, anxious to just escape from the scene.  In the midst of the noise of chattering and laughter I feel utterly and completely alone.  Rejected.

This is our church potlucks.  Every time.  And so.  I can't go anymore.  I won't.  It simply hurts too much.

7 comments:

jaesi said...

what?!!
i dont believe this.
You are wonderful. wonderful. wonderful.
and they, my dear are missing out
BIG TIME.

love and miss you too much.

Stacey said...

Oh, Sarah ... I am so sorry. I know that feeling all too well. I am lifting you up in prayer.

In Light of the Truth... said...

Just to mention, I do have to get myself seated before most anyone else, because of the kids... It just so happens that Kevin's working/sleeping for most of our potlucks, so I set my bag down at the end of a table so Carter can have a high chair and park the kids at the table while I go through the line for everyone's food. I'd love if I could just sit next to someone, but this is just how it has to be. You'd think someone would fill in next to me, but they don't. I don't get it. This is so stupid that yeaaars later and I'm still going through this.

Jules said...

Sweetie, I love you &
I know exactly how you feel!!! (((HUGS)))) & I so wish I lived by you!!!

Kathy said...

Sarah I am SO sorry that you are going through this. I have been there and still continue to feel that way at times. I am someone who loves to talk and fellowship but is extremely shy to be the first person to start a conversation. Situations like that make me feel the same exact way. Honestly, shame on them for not noticing that you are there basically alone except for your kids, and that they don't approach you, befriend you or even offer to help get food for your kids since you have your hands full.

Sometimes I think 'why does this happen in Christian circles' but the truth is that Christians drop the ball too and don't always see someone hurting who could be right in front of them.

I pray that you will find friendship from some lovely young women - I know you've had it hard finding friends and esp since your friend moved away. :(

Love you Sarah! Praying for you!

Be Strong in the Lord said...

Amazing how God puts people together who can relate to each other. I know you are only a bloggy friend, but I really relate to a lot of the things you say... especially this one.

I have always felt the same way at potlucks. I have tried to go to a few over the years, but I stopped before my husband and I started dating because being alone in a crowd is worse than just being alone. He had done the same thing. In fact, we still don't go unless we know some other friends are going.

The Fischer Family said...

Oh Sarah! I'm so sorry! I know how much that hurts..I've been there too (although with the circle I was in I think I was avoided more because my Husband wasn't a Mormon and I was!) but anyway! Whatever the reason...it hurts and I understand! I wish I lived near you...I'd come sit with you! :-) Hold your head up! One day they'll see what a great person they are missing out on getting to know!