I am a control freak. And so, at any given minute you are probably doing the "wrong" thing, not the thing I want you to be doing. Whether you're pooping too long or in the wrong bathroom, you're parking in the wrong spot, working on the computer instead of playing with the kids, working on a project instead of cleaning up dinner, NOT working on a project, not eating enough dinner, saying No to dessert, or using the wrong tone of voice, I get upset. I get upset over little little things.
Most of the time I try not to say anything though because I don't want to be a nagging wife. So instead my insides boil just thinking it, and trying to hold it in.
And if we're trying to make it somewhere on time, just forget it. I'm probably going to blow my top. I try to plan ahead so we're not rushed, but I can't control everything. The baby poops and a diaper needs changed, or someone needs to go potty again, or we can't find a shoe, or the sippy cup is misplaced. There seems to always be something. And that's what's hard.
I need to learn that even in marriage I need to choose my battles. Let the little things go. Let. It. Go. Keep perspective and focus on something else instead of stewing. And {kindly} communicate my desires, so my husband knows my thoughts.
I don't really know how to change all this in an instant. So I'm just going to say I'm sorry. God has been opening my eyes, allowing me to see who and what I am. And it aint pretty. It's quite the opposite. So please forgive me and know that I am trying.
Trying to slow down, take a deep breath, and ask myself if it really matters. If not, I'm moving on! Or at least I'm trying.
3 comments:
hey Sarah - I know I commented on this a bit on FB but just wanted to tell you that you and I are SO much alike! This is a battle I have fought {with myself} for YEARS! For me, it's mostly wanting to control my kids, but there are times it creeps into my other relationships too. I spent most of my kids younger yrs being in a constant state of aggravation because it seemed that the kids NEVER did what I wanted, when I wanted them to. I think back now and regret so deeply how I acted, how I treated them and the time that is gone that I will never get back. I began to pray every day that the Lord would change me - change me from the screaming, out of control Mom to one who loved her kids more than being in control. and amazingly He did, He changed me. I still lose it sometimes but I have changed SO much from where I was. I know I said it on FB but I will be praying for you! Keep your eyes fixed on Jesus!
Love, Kathy
Maybe a helpful step in trying to see real and lasting change will be to think on the Godward aspect of what I think you are articulating as a sinful behavior. The Bible talks about sin in terms of idolatry, adultery, and rebellion (among other images). All of these are a turning away from God and turning to something else. Thought of in that way, repentance then is identifying what you've turned toward, turning away from it, and renewing your faith and your trust in God.
What do you think drives you to be controlling? Are you trying to be god of your little world (idolatry of self)? Are you trying to put on that you have everything together to win someone's approval (idolatry of whomever you are trying to please) or maybe to "prove yourself" and, in a sense, establish your own righteousness? It could be any number of things. This list of x-ray questions might get you pointed in the right direction.
I don't know if you ever get a moment that you can listen to a sermon from the web, but this sermon by Tim Keller might be good for your soul.
Sarah, years ago when in Boone I was told by an elder that I was TOO STRONG and that I tried to be in CONTROL of EVERYTHING. He said that the man is the head of the house and I should submit to hubby.
I have fought this same battle within myself for many years.
The consolation is that God gives grace. He shows us an area that He is working on -- then He works. In the midst you may be very frustrated... but trust Him to continue molding and shaping you.
You are what Kevin needs -- even if God is fine tuning you over your many years together.
And... You are not alone. All of us have something that the Master Creator is working on.
No matter where you are in the process, you are precious in His sight.
And you are loved...
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