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Tuesday, October 5, 2010

The truth is...

I'm struggling.  Hurting so bad.  Growling at my kids all day.  And going to bed at night feeling... empty.  I need the Lord to fill the holes in my heart. To satisfy me in ways that no human can.  But honestly. I don't know how. I'm tired and weary and seeking change. But what? I'm a goal-maker, list-checker, realist, practical person who doesn't know how to let go. How to let God handle this mess I call my life. How to answer when I'm hurt once again.  How to pray from my heart and not just my mouth.  The cursor is blinking, but I don't know what to write next. So. I guess I'm done.

NOTE: Thank you so much for your encouraging words and prayers!  I'm so thankful for each of you, so very thankful.  But I have now closed the comments to this post.  I don't want to continue sulking, or keep a record of wrongs, I want to move on and let God continue to mold me and shape me into His image, slowly and completely, according to His perfect plan.


Kathy said...

Oh Sarah I have been where you are ... esp when my kids were little! And even now I still struggle through those days. I can't give you a magic formula when I've yet to figure it out myself. But I will say to keep on keeping on - keep holding on to Jesus, keep seeking Him even when you don't feel like it. And I will also pray for you my friend!

Simple Life said...

Been there too. Dig deep, pray hard, and find time for yourself, even if it is parking your van at the park, leaving the kids in the van, and walking down to the lake. I remember you have done that before!

Some hurts only God can heal and He will. After I lay the kids down for bed I take a long hot bath and pray (sometimes even cry and pour my heart out to the Lord). I will be praying for you. Thanks for being real.. thats why I love your blog!

Anonymous said...

You are not alone, my sweet friend!! I know exactly where you are coming from and it's Hell but I believe God gives us friends for such times as these. :) I love you and I am praying for you!!! Hang on, sweetie, God is with you and it will all work out in His time not ours. That's hard for me to take because I, too, love to plan and think that I "control" my life but alas, the reality is that we do not. The reality of God's greatness and goodness is so much better, though and I have NO doubt that He loves you & has WONDERFUL things in store for you, sweet girl!!!

Email me if you need to!



~Amanda said...

Ditto! I think we are very similar in our "need to be productive" mentality. I've been trying really hard to forget about the lists, let the garbage sit there, let the sink have dishes even if it means that we eat pb&j off the table the next day...and just fill my day with the kids. I feel so much better when I'm with them, but I don't feel as "productive" because nothing was visibly checked off my list. What if we added that stuff with the kids to our lists? We might not see the results immediately, but we would definitely see it them in the long run!

S Club Mama said...

Sarah, honey, I'm so sorry. I think we all get into funks. I know it's hard to fit in but I know how important quiet times with God are.

And please please if I can do something for you, please let me know.

Amy said...

You are not alone sweet friend.

jaesi said...

been there. a million times. and expect to be there again many more. we all go through this.
Just remember you have friends here- who are willing to do anything! seriously serious. {{LOVE!}}

In Light of the Truth... said...

You guys are wonderful. Truly. I may never see your faces, but you are still very real to me. LOVE YOU. This time it's not about the kids, so I'm feeling pretty helpless except relying on the power of God and praying for a heart transplant in myself.

Be Strong in the Lord said...

I'm there with you. I've been here for a while. You just described exactly how I have been feeling for quite some time.

I just wanted to take a moment to encourage you that God will answer your hear cry as you seek Him.

He is slowly showing me how to rest and sit at His feet as I seek him... in other words, He is slowly healing me of my inner hurt. I wanted it to be quick, but He is doing it slowly and completely.

I don't know how He will do it for you, but I will pray for you, and I trust He will fill you with peace and joy and love.

Anonymous said...

I feel like you have read my mind. I don't know you or the things you are going through, but know that you aren't alone in your struggles. God is there, though it may not seem obvious to you now. I've learned that he will answer prayer in HIS perfect time (be it my idea of an answer or his). You just must be still, and know that he is God!

Holly said...

Oh beautiful sister, I wish I had known!!! I would've come by your place and sat with you with a cup of hot cocoa or coffee or tea and chatted with you, prayed with you and hopefully laughed with you!

I know in times when I hurt really bad, I would often just find a quiet moment (usually at the very end of the day for me) and read my Bible in the Psalms where David laid his feelings totally bear and then redirected his hurting to the character of the Lord. It almost always helped me. Perhaps you can spend some time relating to Scripture in that way too?

I really am sorry to hear this, and hope you are encouraged by the Lord, your family and friends at this time. PLEASE let me know if I can pray for anything specific for you, or if I can help you at all. I LOVE YOU DEAR SISTER!!!!

Kathy said...

Hugs sweet Sarah. Been there. Many times. Still there. Many times. Wish I could sit and hear your heart. Praying that the God of all comfort meets you in your ache tonight. You are loved.


Emi Loopers said...

Hi dear friend! I was feeling something similar a few weeks ago. Seth and I talked it over for a while and made some very small changes to our lives, and it's helped my heart immensely. I was feeling so overwhelmed with everything on my plate and felt helpless to do anything about it. One area we made changes to was our day of rest, so that I don't have to wash dishes on this day and I don't cook (well I might make tuna sandwiches, but nothing extravagent) and we try to avoid entertainin guests on this day (of course this still happens from time to time:) And its hard to completely rest when there's little ones running around, but I remembered that sometimes the best thing for the whole family might be that I relax a bit, even if it means that we have toast for breakfast rather than homemade granola. And! I can't feel guilty (that was the hardest part for me) about not meeting my own (often ridiculous) standards and ideals for what I think it means to be a good wife and mother. Turns out Seth would rather have a relaxed and joyful wife and eat toast rather than have a stressed wife and eat tasty granola. That's helped me a lot. Am praying for you! Some days are really hard with little ones. Love you bunches. Wish you lived closer than 15,0000 miles away:)

Tammy said...

Short little devotions that might encourage you.


It won't always be like this. Hold His hand or just let Him carry you. Children are sooo forgiving. Listen more and speak less. When you can't pray read scripture back to the Lord. Find one (scripture)and repeat it over and over and in time you will feel its power. The Lord Jesus is present even if you don't "feel" Him. Hard seasons are no fun, but they do pass. Rely on Jesus. ~ Tammy A.

crystal said...

Sarah, I spent time typing a comment that said basically what everyone else said...only to have the computer tell me that blogger was having an error when I tried to post it...ughhh..

But anyway, I dont really have any thing to add to all the wisdom you have already been given...just know that I will keep you in my prayers!


Mary said...

I echo all that was already said... gotta take it to God. Satan loves this opportunity to bring you down so you gotta keep the defense up. Your testimony is so strong and you reach many people IRL and on your blog. Gotta expect these attacks!

I did think of two things from my own experience. First postpartum and depression are real issues. You could be dealing with that. How is your diet? Are you nourishing your brain with good healthy food? That increases better moods.

For me it also comes down to perspective. When I read Voice of the Martyrs (persecution.com) or read blogs about suffering kids... I think it helps me appreciate my life a lot more. I know when I THINK too much about my life, I get caught in those dark moods.

I pray you find relief. I know how you feel as I have a history of depression. It's hard to just be happy sometimes but you've done a great thing by just acknowledging it!

HUGS TO YOU!!! Praying for you today... Mary