Nurture Your Heart

So it's been a hard week. Hubby (Kevin) is working nights 5pm-5am and sleeping during the day, so basically I've been doing everything regarding Eli with no break. And he's in a lot of difficult phases right now: little interest in toys, crawling everywhere and getting to all the things we can't babyproof (stairs, vents, piano, etc), spitting while he's eating, waking way too early in the morning (it was 5:30am today) yet resisting any additional naps to his regular schedule to make up for waking so early. And now that he's just learned to pull himself to standing, he just stands and wails over the crib rail. It's so sad to see. Really.

I've been really bitter, frustrated, angry, and overall just really ugly lately. My heart attitude has been... well... wicked. I have not been a godly mother AT ALL. And if I could actually see myself, I would probably cry. Along with all the rest of my crying this week. I've been wallowing in self-pity, thinking Eli is just in the worst of stages right now and how we live so far away from friends and family because of the military, and how Kevin is on nights, and I'm doing this all alone, etc...

Well, today I decided to just leave all the chores (trying to be quiet as a mouse so Eli can just. get. a. good. nap for once) and read in my book A Mom After God's Own Heart, since I've barely touched it for a couple weeks now and haven't made it past the intro. And wasn't that the perfect thing for me to pick up TODAY.

Chapter 1: Take Time to Nurture Your Heart.

The author starts out discussing Deuteronomy 6:4-12, making these points: "we need to take car of our own hearts. We need to take time to nurture our hearts. We are to love the Lord. We are to love and obey His Word. His word is to reside in our hearts. And THEN we will be godly mothers and we can more successfully teach God's word to our children."

Wow. That's exactly the problem I've been having lately.

[according to book] If I don't nurture my heart...
1. I am running on empty-- have a hollow and numb heart, apathy, dull and devoid spiritual energy, purpose, motivation, and accomplishment
2. I am heartless and am on autopilot with parenting.
3. I am worldly.
4. I am unspiritual-- screaming, yelling, name-calling, etc.

Yes, I could say I'm guilty of some of these things the past week or two.

Proverbs 31 says a godly mother rose up each day to tend to the fire of the house and to the "sacred fire" of her heart. I have really been wanting to get up earlier so I can start my day with quiet time. And it seems like just yesterday I was saying that "once Eli starts sleeping through the night and I'm getting good rest, it'll be easier and I can start getting up." Well, he started sleeping through the night 3 MONTHS AGO!! And look at me still dragging myself out of bed after Eli's already been awake for 30 minutes or so playing in his crib!

So my new goal is to REALLY start getting up at 6:15am (the ultimate goal is 6:00, but we'll start with 6:15 for now) so I can have quiet time before starting my day. So I can set my heart right with God before even that first battle strikes. So I can nurture my heart as I strive to be "a mom after God's own heart".